I saw something written about jealousy by Phil Laut a few years ago. He described jealousy as a present fear of a future loss. He also said that it usually involves seeing someone else have the fun that you’re not willing to allow yourself. This last part really struck me.
Erica Jong also said that ‘jealousy is the fun you think they had’.
Whether it’s jealousy we feel in a romantic relationship, or envy towards other people in general, it seems this can apply.
When we’re so busy focusing on someone else and what they’re doing, we’re missing out on all the fun we could potentially be having ourselves.
Don’t get me wrong, if we’re looking at other people and feeling inspired by what they’re doing, that can be great. It can definitely lead us to have more fun ourselves.
But if we’re looking at others and feeling lacking in comparison, or negative about the fact that we don’t have the lives they do, then it’s definitely the opposite of fun.
Or if we’re feeling jealous about what a romantic partner is doing, or who they’re interacting with, we become so busy trying to monitor that and keep ourselves safe, that there is nobody there with us. We’re not present with ourselves, and we can’t focus on having fun, as we believe our safety depends on what someone else is doing or not doing.
If we can learn to see that our safety never lies in anybody else or their behavior, we become freer and freer. The more freedom we allow other people the more freedom we have ourselves, and the less we need others the easier it is for them to love us.
I completely appreciate that when you’re gripped in jealousy, envy or fear it can feel really compelling.
But if we can start looking in this direction, towards allowing ourselves to have more fun and wondering how we can go about that, we may just find that we no longer feel as compelled to be so focused on what anybody else is doing, creating more freedom all the way around.
When we realise that our safety and wellbeing always comes from the inside, and that having more and more fun allows us to feel the truth of that, we’ll start to gravitate more and more towards it.
When we remember to priortise having fun, we remember the simple joy of being alive, from the inside out. Which isn’t dependent on anything or anyone else, and which lights us up, brings us back to the moment and makes us feel our best.
So what feels like fun for you? What brings you alive? And how can you make space for more of it every day?
I’d love to hear what benefits this might bring to your life.
If you’re struggling with jealousy in relationships, you may like to check out my coaching page, where I’m offering one to one sessions and an upcoming course where we’ll go deeper into all of this. I’d love to see you there.